“He was not the light, but came to testify to the light.” - Jn 1:6-8, 19-28

John was clear on who he was before God. He did what God asks - no more and no less. Humbling himself to bear witness to the light, he refused to stand center stage in the spotlight. He shared how the Messiah has already arrived, even when Jesus did not begin his public ministry at this point. John’s humility inspires and comforts me to give God permission to hold my hand and gaze towards me tenderly with His kind eyes. In prayer, He keeps me hidden in a quiet dwelling place this Advent season, telling me my story and calling my attention to Himself, the author. His version of my story stretches beyond what I can see and more than my mind can construct. But my desires often need dormancy - a winter or sometimes many winters - to rest. Time so that when He breathes the warmth of new dreams into me, I actually want them. And so I want Him more than I want the dreams themselves.

As Christmas approaches, the pain of a key relationship continues to weigh heavily on my heart. Swimming and coming up for air this past year through the various stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - I came to realize there is only so much understanding, listening, reading, researching, deep breathing, and self-diagnosing I can ever do to make sense of the situation. God is inviting me this season to reconsider the ever-unfolding opportunities for surprise, wonder, and awe around me by allowing Him to take lead and center stage in my life. Like John, God asks me to trust that my story is His story, slowly shaping my life from orphan to daughter and let love change me to become healthier, kinder, and more real.

Lord, help me listen and tune my ears to the cadence of Your heartbeat.

Tam Lontok