“Have you come to believe because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.” – Jn. 20:29

In today’s Gospel, Thomas echoes the voice we hear when our faith challenges us. Each of us has a story and dream of how our life will unfold. Although everyone’s course is unique, we hope or expect our desires to come into fruition in some way. When invited to a quest beyond our mind and heart capacity, we may feel numb, angry, out of control, and lost. Hidden with fear, we might say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” But when will that be? When will we take a chance to look up and witness the Risen Lord standing before us in every locked door and space in our lives?

One week after Easter, is my life any different? Do I find myself living in the freedom and joy of the resurrection or behind locked doors? Which spaces are closed in my mind and heart? Maybe, like the disciples, it is fear. Maybe it is questions about suffering, disbelief, or expectations we may place on our faith. Perhaps it is sorrow and loss. Maybe the wounds are cut so deeply that no salve seems possible to heal. For others, it may be anger, resentment, disappointment, and unwillingness to open up to a possible transfiguration.

When drowned in my own discomfort, doubt, and confusion, I often find myself in awe of how Jesus unexpectedly enters into my closed heart of willful acceptance and surrender. Perhaps it is to draw me into a more meaningful life of communion and interdependence towards a new way of being and living. Thomas reminds me how faith is not a one-time binary choice but an unceasing call of daily choices to believe and have faith. Even though I might waver, God gives me lots and lots of tries and will wait patiently for me. My fears may be tremendous in my eyes, but I am encouraged to envision a God whose love is bigger beyond my reach. One that cannot be quantified or contained. If I am open to taking a risk in believing, I will have to sit through the pain long enough to rise again.

Lord, help me to be brave enough to break my own heart and remind me of an enduring love awaiting me to find my way home as your ever-prodigal daughter/son.

Tam Lontok

Photo Credit: Tam Lontok