FAITH AMIDST FEAR
“On you I depend from birth; from my mother's womb you are my strength.” - Psalm 71:6
After getting married in October of 2022, I was looking forward to life finally settling down and to adjusting to all the changes of the past few years. So when we got pregnant just two months later, I was flooded by fear and a mix of emotions. We certainly wanted children, but in my mind, I wouldn’t be ready for pregnancy and parenthood for at least another six months to a year. My “perfect timeline” was upended. How would I find the energy and strength for this major change now?
We learned the news almost exactly a year ago today during Advent, and the themes of the readings weren’t lost on us. It seemed like every other day there was a passage shouting, “Conceive! Pregnancy! Birth! BABIES!” It was like, “Okay, God. We get it! This is happening now.” It seemed like an obvious sign. But like Zachariah in today’s Gospel reading, I still was in disbelief and unsure what this news meant for us. Questions about how we would provide for our child and how I would handle motherhood were at the forefront of my mind. A friend tried to reassure me: “El Bebé viene con pan.” (“The Baby comes with bread.”) In other words, “God will provide.”
Slowly over the following weeks, a deeper message of Advent sank in – ”Do not be afraid…” (Luke 1:13). An unexpected promotion allowed us to search for a bigger apartment, and we found our new home after giving up the search for a time. These gifts helped me more fully trust that God had better timing in all this and would see us through. When our baby girl was born in August, the words of Julian of Norwich echoed through the room from a song from my birth playlist: “All will be well. All will be well. All will be well…” (All Will Be Well, by Jessica Gerhardt). I couldn’t have planned or timed that better.
Sometimes God speaks to me through “signs and wonders” like these and in the stories of Advent and Christmas. But God also speaks in the ordinary, everyday moments of life and the subtle movements of our hearts. When it is more difficult to notice these external or internal “signs,” I can go back to the wellspring of these moments as St. Ignatius suggests. As we navigate the intense journey of early parenthood, I can’t imagine my life without our fourth-month old. When I feel myself again being tempted by fear and the desire for control along this new adventure, though, I go back to that refrain, the messages of Advent, and what the past year has shown me. Fear not. Trust. God will provide. God is with us. All will be well.
What are the desires of your heart this Advent? Is there anything you are hoping or waiting for? How might God be inviting you to lean into trust rather than fear?
Marisa Moonilal
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