LIMINAL SPACE
"My heart is moved with pity for the crowd, for they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, for fear they may collapse on the way." - Mt. 15:29-37
My Advent journey has taken me deeper than I ever dreamt of going, ushering me into an abyss of darkness where the weight of my sadness reigns quietly and a pain so deep that it takes my breath away at moments. Curtains of my inner life have parted with grief making an appearance: “What does this mean? How will I go on? What will I find? How much more will it hurt?” In the vesper of my tears, God embraces me with a stream of compassion that bonds and holds me tenderly as I learn how to breathe under the deep and grieve with hope.
Yet with every morsel of unspeakable pain, there is love. A love so strong, it buoys me. Kind and loving souls who have breathed me back to life again and reminded me amid my grief and tears, I am not alone, and I am loved. God gifted me with opportunities for healing and only asked for my willingness. He invited me to allow other hearts to enter to grow new life around the chasm of such loss. These trusted companions understood the language of the bereaved and the broken. They are fluent in grief. They gave me the strength to dive deep on some days and held space for me when I could barely nudge. God met me this Advent with His sensitivity and compassion as in today’s Gospel, encouraging me to see how His grace is big enough for both of us.
Pain, grief, and suffering have a way of unearthing questions and doubts. Opening ourselves to our trusted marble jar relationships and creating space for them to respond in love will help shift our culture one conversation at a time to love and be loved through all of life’s seasons. We are created for connection, to relate, grow close, trust, and love. God only wants our hearts. My willingness taught me that I hurt intensely because I love deeply. I’ve found peace in holding on to the love that filled my heart the moment I saw those blue lines. I’ve found peace in searching for signs from Heaven of our beloved angel. I’ve found peace in my faith that our baby is with God. I’ve learned how to embrace the impossible when our baby’s heart stopped, and ours kept beating. I do it with every breath and step I take with God by my side.
Giver of Peace, hold me in the comfort of your love and presence as You lead me through this liminal space between who I am and who I am meant to become.
Tam Lontok