BREAKING THROUGH
Behold the virgin shall be with child and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel, which means “God is with us.” - Matthew 1: 18-25
What does it feel like to have God with us? For the last couple of years, I know what it is like NOT to feel God with me. Amid the hardships of life and finding escape in movies and things… I lost sight of God. While things seemed fine externally, my inner life was withering away. I was perishing, suffering alone, and knew I needed help.
By a series of good coincidences, I got to attend a recent silent retreat. During this time, I desperately asked God when I would feel joyful and alive again. I also saw how I have rejected my own healing of a childhood trauma due to paralyzing fear and not having a safe person to go there with me.
On the third day of the retreat, I woke up surprised with God’s presence. I just knew our hearts were close again. The phrase “steadfast love” kept resonating in my heart, and the sense of being in union with my Beloved stayed with me throughout the day. We walked, made jokes, looked at birds, flowers, and rabbits together. Everything and everyone became a joy as I spent time with my Beloved. Naturally, we also got to sit and hold my pain together. Slowly, I came to realize an invitation to trust in the healing process and not be afraid. I am not alone in that darkness, all I need to do is stay on course, hand over my fear, and let God take me through it.
Tenderness and consolation still fill my heart every time I remember these recent days with God. Like today’s reminder that “God is with us,” this Advent retreat surprised me with God’s eagerness to break into human experience and be with me. When I am able to open my life and share it with my Beloved, the trust and steadfast love we have will sustain me through it all.
Recall the last time you experienced God’s nearness, as a good friend or lover, what was it like? What would you like to tell this person about your life right now?
Van Nguyen