THE COURAGE TO SPEAK
“Immediately his mouth was opened, his tongue freed, and he spoke blessing God.” - Luke 1:64
I couldn’t do it. There was just no way. I felt like a coward.
Over the course of a year of discerning whether I should quit my job, I received one confirmation after another that it was what God was asking of me – my situation wasn’t improving, my health was suffering, and I had the deep desire to leave. So what, I asked my spiritual director, was taking so long for me to resign?
Months and months had passed, and each weekly meeting with my boss became more and more agonizing because I refused to address the “elephant in the room.” And since I’m the only one who could see this elephant, my frustration just grew worse and I began to doubt; doubt whether I even really wanted to leave this job, doubt about how I’d be able to handle the uncertainty of unemployment, doubt whether I was doing the right thing.
So I prayed. I prayed for courage. I prayed for the openness to hear what I might’ve grown deaf to hearing. I prayed to make a decision knowing that it came from God. I prayed for a long time, and doing so didn’t suddenly make me brave, but it did bring me peace, and conversations with God went from desperate and frantic, to calm and surrendering.
And then one Monday morning, as I ate breakfast, I heard God’s voice, telling me it was time to leave my job. And two weeks ago, I did just that. I was Zechariah, suddenly able to speak. Like him, I too had doubts, even of God’s power. Looking back on my year of discernment, perhaps I was unable to speak so I would be able to listen to God speaking.
What doubts are you having today?
Anna Lissa Gonda