THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A MOMENT YOU WERE FORGOTTEN
“You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless…
...I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you”
A year and a half ago, my husband and I put on excited brave faces. We were leaving CA. He had two years of training left. The hope was that we’d back at the end of it all. On the other side of the country, I felt so alone. He was rarely home. I would look at my Facebook feed and see my friends and family moving forward with their lives. At times, instead of feeling happy for them, I was embarrassed to give into the false-self telling me I was forgotten.
I loathe self-pity parties. Despite my desire to avoid them, I seemed to be RSVP-ing ‘yes’ to them on a regular basis. The unreconciled darkness of my miscarriage earlier that year began to consume me. I then became pregnant and the joy of carrying a growing life was under attack from daily migraines.
After Leni was born, we moved yet again across the country down to the south. But here, I thought the light at the end of the tunnel was near. It was time for Kevin to apply for jobs back “home.” However, there weren’t any. I summoned up my best supportive wife positive outlook. After an interview for a job in Denver, CO, I began researching where we’d live. But that night, in my prayers, I broke down.
After all this time, if there was one thing I have learned, it’s that God’s plans for me are far better than my own. It was God who brought me through the miscarriage. It was Jesus, my constant companion, who was with me each step of those moves. While I may have painted a conflicted image of our time on this pilgrimage, grace has always been present, even if it is at times unseen. The great gift of Leni, our daughter, is enough to warrant any journey to and through challenging times.
So, I prayed that wherever He called us to go, we would go. I asked for the grace to want what He wanted for us and to desire above all His plans for us, whatever they may be, wherever they may be. It wasn’t any easy prayer because my human heart was struggling with letting go even though my spirit wanted to grow in its trust in God.
The very next day, out of the blue, a call came. There was an opening at a hospital Kevin had trained at in CA. They remembered him and reached out to him. Just like that, if it was as if after all this time, God was telling me, “I have not forgotten you. I have heard you. I have always had plans for you and they are good.”
In today’s Gospel, Jesus speaks about one lost sheep and ninety-nine that are not and how God will go after that one sheep, rejoicing when it is found. So many times, I have felt like I am that lone sheep. I’m human, but the saving Grace is this: God is God. He will always find me wherever I may find myself.
During this season of Advent, one of my prayers is just to listen to Lauren Daigle’s song, Rescue. It accompanies the Gospel reading of today, singing of a God who remembers us and desires us to remember that. It reminds us to remember who we are and who He is.
Wherever we may be in this season of Advent, I hope we find that God has always found us. Amen.