From the moment we took our first breath out of the womb, to our first cry, meal, or embrace, it would appear as if we are all natural at receiving grace. As babies, we welcomed the gentle touch and love of our parents or those who nurtured us. Although I entered into this world as a receiver, I have found myself uncomfortable with receiving than giving. When I was a child, anything given to me was such a gift and joy. People were generous with their love, and the more receptive I became, a greater response in love and gratitude followed.
My perspective shifted as I grew up. As a guiding principle, I was taught to walk with caution and practice prudence and due diligence. Somehow I became doubtful towards the authenticity of the giving. I questioned and analyzed whether what I am receiving is legitimate. If given a choice, I prefer to give than to receive. It allows for me to remain in control of the situation and to what extent I can be charitable without having to manage how I would feel.
Receiving also comes with expectations for me. Whether if I am gifted with something less than I hoped for or more than I expected, it leaves me uncertain of how to respond as it is difficult for me to express my feelings. This is analogous to my relationship with God and how I receive graces from Him. In prayer, I have found myself taking a few steps back when something I have been praying for is about to come into fruition. I begin second guessing myself if what I have been praying for is right or wrong. It pulls me away from the love given to me and convinces me that perhaps it was not meant for me. But with reflection, I realize how God wants me to come to Him like a child. He wants me to let go of my adopted fears and doubt. He wants me to be myself. As a child, I can openly receive love without hesitation. I can trust and recognize the genuine love and gentle care God always has for me.
“Don’t be someone that searches, finds, and then runs away.” Paul Coelho.