“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” – Jn. 1:5

As I grow in sensitivity and hopefully awareness to the spiritual life, I often find myself restless and anxious with the ways metaphorical darkness pervade my life. Among the many forms these areas of darkness take shape are 1) uncertainties concerning how I am called to live the life I am given and 2) insecurities with facets of myself.

One of the curses of being sensitive, self-reflective, and analytical is the danger of self-indulgence in my navel-gazing. This self-preoccupation falsely ascribes the source of light to myself. I wonder and ponder the ways my talents would be better served, how I could/should self-actualize to become the “best version” of myself, etc. In short, I search for how I can exact control to live a full life. This self-absorption extends to my insecurities. The tedious stream of the familiar, self-deprecating tracks I play in my head places my self-worth in how I perceive I am regarded by others.

Jesus is the light that illuminates the darkness in my life. Without His light within me, I become anxious about the future and complicit to the false spirit’s voice – restless instead of restful. The light that Jesus provides brightens each step I make. I desire to grow in trust that there will always be enough light for the next step. Similarly, my self-worth is rooted in the dwelling of Christ’s light within me and His love for me. As I journey closer to the light, my shadows become bigger, more pronounced, and foreboding. The challenge for me is to look forward to the light and not backwards at my dark shadows.

Lord Jesus, penetrate through the ways we cover your light within us.

Michael Jamnongjit