“What came to be through him was life, and this life was the light of the human race; the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.” - Jn 1:4-5, 9

Experiencing infertility was painfully different from what my husband and I had envisioned and hoped in beginning a family. Not only were we stretched emotionally and physically, it pierced into the deepest layers of our identities and shifted our sense of belonging in the world. The journey was difficult and confusing to navigate as we became more despondent with each unsuccessful cycle. It revealed to us shades and hues we would not have otherwise seen. It required us to suffer and discern, compelling us to reach. We came into greater awareness that God was in control of our human story.

A few days before Christmas last year, I sat at the edge of my bed overwhelmed with tears. Thank you, I thought over and over again. Thank you. Not only for the gift of this possible pregnancy but for the deepening in compassion, meaning, and longing we learned in those three years. That it was enough to trust the process without being able to understand it at times. And to believing we no longer had to reach with our bare hands and how the walk was a part of our becoming. In that moment, I felt as if a chapter of my life ended and begun all at once.

In today’s gospel, faith reminds us that God loves us - wildly, fiercely, gently, completely, and without reservation. Faith calls each of us to move towards the light even if the direction is difficult. It says to each of us, “You are my beloved. I created you and everything you have been or are or will become is already approved.” As I hold my daughter and gaze into her eyes this Christmas, I hope to guide her in knowing that faith is not about belonging to a club, but a current to surrender. That we have two empty bowls eternally in our hands, but we also have the capacity to fill them. And how she is in that current when she is becoming more trusting, kind, gentle, open, and grateful.

Am I swimming with or against the current of faith? How is God inviting me to fill my empty bowls with life this Christmas?

Tam Lontok

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