HE BECKONS FOR MY TRUST
“Have you visited the tomb?, my thirty-day silent retreat director asked.
My smile faded. The emerging sense of hope and joy I felt earlier dissipated into thin air.
My director went on to explain how one cannot go straight from being crucified to being resurrected. She invited me to “wait” for Jesus at the tomb, to sit with the disciples, and to feel their pain, loss, confusion, and guilt.
I felt a strong resistance. I didn’t want to go to the tomb. I thought about the loss of my childhood innocence, of my babies, of my recently deceased father, the list went on and on
No, I was done with the tombs. I was ready to embrace joy.
I couldn't move on to joy, instead, I fell deeper into the abyss of the tombs in my life.
I found myself surrounded by fear. I knew that embracing joy also meant uniting with others, but intimacy was not something I was comfortable with. I’ve mastered the art of keeping everyone at a far distance since I was a young child. I don’t know how to have a “real” relationship with another person, especially those closest to me.
In my darkest hours, I felt an invitation to revisit my retreat notes. As I reread the first few days of my journey, I came across the following encounter:
When you come face to face with intimacy,
And fear encircle you,
Rage encamp your heart,
Old wounds cripple you.
They hinder your steps.
Be not afraid for I Am with you.
I will make fear tremble beneath your feet.
I will transform rage into love
And I will elevate old wounds into compassion.
Do not fear, my dearest one
For I Am with you
And I love you.
Let no fear keep you from Love
And let no anxiety hinder your journey to joy.
As I revisited my journal, I realized that Jesus asked only one thing from me - to trust Him.
A tiny seed of trust emerged. As I allowed it to spread, fear became smaller and smaller. Joy overflows my heart the following day. Jesus and I pushed our way out from the tombs one by one.
I was free!
Once again, in the silence of this Holy Saturday, I feel your invitation to “wait” by the tomb with your disciples (past and present). Help me, Jesus, to remember that no matter how difficult it is to enter into communion with others, you are here with me, with us. Strengthen my trust in you so that I may experience greater freedom from my own imprisonment.
Maddie