“Jesus said to him, ‘Unless you people see signs and wonders, you will not believe.’” – Jn. 4:48

I was diagnosed with a condition in my early 40s, and for five years, during intense pain, I was angry and confused that God was not healing me despite prayers and begging. I questioned if I was worthy to touch Jesus’ hem, waited for Him to ask me if I want to be made well, ached to hear him say, “Talitha cumi.”

This affliction made me irrational, blind to small miracles, deaf to God’s promises that He will not abandon me. That period of my life was marked by constant darkness, hovering between despair and hope that God’s healing hands would miraculously cure me, and feeling held and loved by Him.

Cognitively, I knew that God would restore me, but it took an act of faith to keep from turning away from Him. I was absolutely blind to the miracles He provided: a doctor who understood my fears and worked with them, great health insurance provided at no cost by my district, and a body that was made stronger and more resilient by what it was being put through.

In retrospect, carrying that cross made me understand His love for me. He was patient and loving in those 5 years, instead of admonishing me, “Unless you see signs and wonders, you do not believe.”

Currently, I stand in the space of a new understanding. Because I so deeply believe and trust in His love. Now, I see those small wonders in sunsets, in kind words, in my health. I recognize the mystery in His mercy, His forgiveness, His peace.

Father, thank You for showing us Your miracles even when we do not yet believe.

Maria Padua