LETTING MYSELF BE WEAK
"O LORD, my God, in you I take refuge; save me from all my pursuers and rescue me, lest I become like the lion’s prey, to be torn to pieces, with no one to rescue me." -Psalm 7:2-3
You must be strong. You must succeed. You must do better. Lately, I've struggled with letting myself be vulnerable. Societal expectations expect everyone to toughen up. Whether it's standing out to succeed at work at any cost, showing a brave face in a world filled with epidemics and war, or putting up your best face for social media highlight reels instead of revealing what's bubbling underneath. On the surface level, it looks like everyone has it together, especially as a part of the connected millennial generation. People get promotions at work, marry the love of their lives, buy a dream house, travel the world, and "live their best life." When I find myself doomscrolling (AKA swiping endlessly through flashy social media posts and depressing news articles), I feel a sense of dread of not being enough yet again. I'm sure on the surface, everyone thinks I have it together too, when really, I feel like I don't.
Amidst making big decisions in life and hitting milestones, I'm second guessing myself, letting my low self-esteem and perfectionism darken and overtake my thoughts. My physical strength feels drained from an otherworldly tiredness I can't pinpoint. Worst of all, though, is I feel I must take this all myself. All my decisions, struggles, and mistakes are my own and no one else's. I do not let myself show weakness or falter. Because for some reason if I do, I think that's the end. That's when I've lost.
In reality, I want to let myself be weak, I need myself to be weak. I'm tired of putting on this front. It is in my weakness that I find Christ, especially during this Lenten season. I want to take refuge in the Lord. I want to run to him like the scared child that I am and be embraced in His loving arms. It was in Christ's weakest moments, after all, that He showed the greatest strength, the strength to suffer and save us all from our sins and be our savior, and also showed how much He was truly human as well as truly divine. This Lenten season, I feel called to show up and be who I am, vulnerable and all. In my weakest moments, and all moments, seek out Christ and accept I am not perfect, but He accepts and protects me as I am, and that is enough.
Lord, let me be weak. Let me take refuge in your care and protection when I feel like everything, even myself, is against me. Allow me to rest in You and simply just be Your child.
Kevin Nguyen