I’m Angry but I Guess I’ll Still Eat
“I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” However, what do I do when I don’t know how or frankly even want to seek God? What do I do when all I feel is a deep seething anger that defies all words.
I felt that gut-wrench when, after months of desperate prayers and novenas, I still had to watch a close family member pass. I felt that as a career and relationship I had prayed for, unraveled before me no matter how hard I tried to hold everything together. “Why? How, if you are a good God, would you let all these things happen?”
I have personally lost count of the amount of times I went, “Okay Lord, this is it. I’m done. Bye.” Countless times I have tried to walk away from Him, and countless times I have found that no matter how much I try, something always beckons me back.
“Your Father knows what you need before you even ask him”, Jesus tells us, and yet how little we dare to believe it. He stands waiting, unoffended by our fury, unthreatened by our doubt. He sees that below the wordless anger is soul-crushing grief, bitter desperation, and a raw cry of our helplessness.
The Lord is close, even when hidden in the silence. He still places bread in our hands, reminding us that while we cannot understand every step of the journey, He’ll provide all the same. His Word sows seeds in the depths of our heart; and though we may not know what may spring up, we can be sure that it is not in vain and will bear fruit in the end.
How then during Lent can we be more honest to God, even about the things we wish to hide the most? Where is God sowing seeds in your life where you least expect it?
Darren Huang