HOLDING ON, LETTING GO ON CHRISTMAS EVE
“Forever I will sing the goodness of the Lord.” - Psalm 89
It is Christmas Eve. Tonight, I share this season with my partner, Patrick. Today’s Psalm invites me to linger on “the goodness of the Lord,” especially in moments when I have felt unseen… uncertain… unsteady.
For much of my life, I have been holding on—holding on to the need to belong, to be understood, to justify every choice. I held on to rails for balance… to my parents for safety. I held on to relationships that left me afraid, trying to fit a version of myself others might accept. Fear of failing, of being unlovable, of not measuring up stretched like shadows across my days.
There came a time when my prayer life felt dry—like St. John of the Cross describes as the dark night of the soul. I cried until I felt hollow, my defenses crumbling… collapsing like sandcastles in the tide. In that surrender, I whispered, “God, I can’t do this anymore. Take the wheel.”
And then… God sent love. Gentle. Patient. Quiet. Love that reminded me I could be seen, and loved, exactly as I am. I began to sense that holding on so tightly had kept me from being fully present. Letting go… trusting… allowing myself to be vulnerable… opened a new path, a way to walk with God and others more honestly.
On this Christmas Eve, as we wait for the gift of Christ, I invite reflection: Where am I still holding on too tightly? Which fears keep me from receiving God’s love fully? How might I open my heart… just a little… to the grace quietly unfolding, even now? How might I allow myself to be loved, in small ways and in large?
God, help me notice where I cling, and give me courage to trust your timing, your care, and the journey you have for me… even when it feels uncertain.
Sue Do