“NEITHER DO I CONDEMN YOU”
A few years ago, I experienced rejection in a profound way. It felt like all I was hearing was “no” and all I was experiencing was telling me “you are not wanted.” All of the You are Amazing hallmark cards, encouraging texts from friends, and motivational Ted Talks put together could not shake me from the insurmountable cloud of my internalized shame. Shame had become the primary voice in my head.
And I believed that voice.
I did not know how deep in the shame hole I was stuck in until I wasn’t in it. By the grace of God, and lots of communal support, I started to make authentic choices that brought me back to life. Then I entered a season of life where many opportunities were presented before me, where life felt brighter and more positive, and yet. . . I did not feel worthy of it. I no longer trusted myself and, more tragically, I felt disconnected from God.
One day I sat down to read through an old journal and found a conversation I shared with a beloved spiritual mentor: “What does God do when God thinks of you?” I don’t know, I replied. “God smiles.” It’s so simple and exactly what I needed to remember at that moment. Tears rolled down my face as I slowly returned home to myself– God beholds me and smiles, and I am worthy, no-matter-what. With this memory I regained my self-esteem and chose to believe in my inherent worth. I was overwhelmed by the joy of being loved by God as I am.
Today’s readings ooze what Fr. Greg Boyle, SJ calls “the no-matter-whatness” of God. Nothing permeates the truth of how God beholds us, of who we truly are. Not our shame, not any other human person, not injustices, not even patriarchy. I relate to what the woman in today's gospel must have felt when she was before Jesus, and what she felt when she heard him say, “I do not condemn you.” The love of God oozing through Jesus’ voice. Her eyes meeting his at this moment, dispelling all shame and modeling mercy to the persecutors.
What would our society look like if our default response is the way of Jesus? What would our family units look like? How can the practice of mercy heal and nourish our relationships?
As we continue walking with each other this Lenten season, may we be inspired to be more like Jesus. May we have the courage to choose mercy and to work towards dismantling the structures, attitudes, and actions that condemn others. May we trust the “no-matter-whatness” of God with an even deeper conviction. Amen.
Ana López